1 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,To set the mood, a little Martin Luther Lennon:
2 Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.
3 And I will set my face against that man, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.
4 And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not:
5 Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people.
6 And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.
7 Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy: for I am the LORD your God.
8 And ye shall keep my statutes, and do them: I am the LORD which sanctify you.
9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
10 And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
11 And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
12 And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.
13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
14 And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.
15 And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.
16 And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
17 And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.
18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.
19 And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.
20 And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.
21 And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.
22 Ye shall therefore keep all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: that the land, whither I bring you to dwell therein, spue you not out.
23 And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.
24 But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their land, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a land that floweth with milk and honey: I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people.
25 Ye shall therefore put difference between clean beasts and unclean, and between unclean fowls and clean: and ye shall not make your souls abominable by beast, or by fowl, or by any manner of living thing that creepeth on the ground, which I have separated from you as unclean.
26 And ye shall be holy unto me: for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine.
27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
I stand right up and sing this little songAnd shun. There's a lot of shunning, too, in this slate of moral guidance from our loving Creator.
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
- #1: Yahweh done told Moses...
- #2: Remind the Israelites not to sacrifice their kids to Molech. He that does "shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with (you'll never guess...) stones."
- #3: "I will set my face against that man" and excommunicate him. (Somehow, sacrifices to a competing god defile YHWH's sanctuary and profane his "holy name.")
- #4: If you shy away from confronting and killing the Molech-lover...
- #5: Then the Lord will set against you and your whole family, as He will with anyone who goes "a whoring" after Molech.
- #6: If you go a whoring after wizards and seers, God'll set his face against you and cut you off from your people.
- #7: So sanctify yourself and be holy, "for I am the LORD your God."
- #8: And observe Yahweh's statutes. "I am the LORD which sanctify you." (This is getting so repetitive, you'd almost think it was some kind of brainwashing. Except of course, it's good and holy and noble and moral and pure and all-around perfect).
- #9: If you curse your father or mother, you'll be executed. If you did it, you've cursed your mother or father, and your blood will be spilled.
- #10: If you commit adultery with a married woman, you'll both surely be put to death — even if her husband is an adulterer.
- #11: Sleeping with your mom or stepmom, you're really fucking your father (or "uncovering his nakedness"). You and ma will surely be put to death.
- #12: If you sleep with your daughter-in-law, you're causing "confusion," and you'll both be executed. (In all these scenarios, there is no exception for victims of non-consensual advances.)
- #13: If a man has gay sex (or does it mean bi sex, because it says "also lie with..."?), "they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (Is "they" the two men, the bi guy and his wife, or all of them? This verse is as confusing as sleeping with your daughter-in-law.)
- #14: If you sleep with your wife and her mother, all of you will be burnt to death.
- #15: If a man sleeps with an animal, he and the beast are put down.
- #16: Same with woman and beast.
- #17: If a man sleeps with"his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter," they'll be excommunicated.
- #18: Paraphrasing wouldn't do justice to this description of the offense — grounds for excommunication — of sleeping with a menstruating woman: "And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
- #19: Don't sleep with your aunts.
- #20: And that includes your uncle's wife, because that's like fucking your uncle. If you do, "they shall die childless." (Does "they" refer to both fornicators, or the uncle and his Mrs.? And what happens if "they" already have kids? )
- #21: Same deal if you "take" your brother's wife.
- #22: Therefore (cuz why?), obey all of God's edicts, to keep Canaan from spitting you out.
- #23: When in Canaan, don't do as the Canaanites do. They did all this bad stuff, and it was abhorrent to me, your Lord.
- #24: Like I told you, you're going to inherit that milk-and-honey flowing land. "I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people." (This is before Brown vs. the Board of Education determined that separate wasn't really such a great idea).
- #25: Therefore ('cause you're a breed apart, I guess), differentiate between between clean and unclean beasts and fowls, and don't do things with animals or insects that would make you abominable.
- #26: Be holy to me, "for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine. (Gosh, this doesn't sound like a nice, inclusive deity, loving creator of all mankind, does it?)
- #27: Oh, and one more thing: if you're a wizard or seer, you'll be stoned with stones.